Juno

I was feeling good the other day because Juno arrived in the mail. Every critic known to man has praised this "perfectly clever and perfectly paced" film. Here's a brief example:
"Sweet, perceptive, sharp and near-perfect, Juno is a memorable film that will still be great viewing decades after its release." - Brian Webster, Apollo Guide

So I load the DVD tray with this "near-perfect, memorable film that will still be great viewing decades after its release" and promptly vomit my tostada all over the duvet. I skipped the temptation to blast the opening illustrated sequence because hand-rendered type and illustrations are so ubiquitous now. (Poster idea: "Hand Rendered Type is Faded.") But we get about 5 minutes in and we are graced with Rainn Wilson as a convenience store clerk. As soon as he said, “That's one doodle that can't be un-did, home skillet,” I blew chow all over. Jesus. The next 90 minutes or so chronicles all things Diablo Cody deems cool. "OOh, see, I am going to reference obscure indy-punk artists. Look how clever I am, I am going to have my character talk on a hamburger phone and all girls can call each other 'dude'. Oh, I know - Anti-folk is big in New York, let's have an anti-folk indy soundtrack. I rule!!!"

Hey Cody, here's an idea, instead of blowing your budget on actors, you can just replace them with cardboard cutouts of said actors, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THIN AND ONE-DIMENSIONAL THEY ARE. "Look, here's Rainn Wilson talking like me, now here's Ellen Page talking like me, now Jason Bateman is talking like me." This is a perfect example of what a former film buddy of mine calls "masturbatory theatre."

The low point came when Page and Bateman are hanging out in the basement naming classic punk bands and then comparing Dario Argento and Herschell Gordon Lewis. Horror is cool! Somehow I forgot. Oh wait, I turned 28 at some point and then had better things to do.

It might not be a good idea to play Too Cool for School for 3/4 of the film and then expect me to give a shit during the final act. See? This is one of the things that got on my nerves when I lived in Minneapolis (guess where Cody lived?): If you throw a rock there, you'll hit a hipster. And that's fine with me. It's the hipsters who try really, really hard to be the hippest hipster that get me. I don't care about Dario Argento or the fact that you talk on a hamburger phone, or that you order the Tokyo Rose at Spyhouse, or that you think graphic designers are cool, or that Rainn Wilson is your poster boy, or that you wear leg warmers. Just admit that sometimes you eat at Arby's, sometimes you have to ride in an SUV, and sometimes you go to the Mall of America, and sometimes you just have to pick your nose. You are not above anyone. You just think you are, which makes you a

presumptuous ass.

And I love the Twin Cities. I love it there. There are so many good things going on. But kids, you are not in New York. No matter how many times you visit New York and how many friends you have in New York, you are not in New York. You are in a city in the middle of a wheat field. You live in the Midwest. Come join the rest of the sweatshirt-wearing, cheese curd-eating, Midwest Airlines-flying, Cubs and White-Sox cheering region of dairy farmers and plumbers.

Maybe I'll rename myself to Demonio Laramie, or Diavolo Cheyenne. Or maybe Djevel Casper, Davo Gillette, or possibly Debiru Rock Springs. How about Satan Madison? Diabolus Memphis? Whatever. I can't stand people naming themselves after state capitals or semi-big cities. Judy Chicago and Robert Indiana were cool when they did it. You are not. And neither is your putrid, self-masturbatory puppet show.

Cock N' Bull

"Hey Frederick, where have you been lately?"

That's right, I was on a week-long photo shoot, visiting some of Indiana's gems. First Terre Haute, then Brownsburg, and finally to Lafayette.

Terre Haute: I will say that I had completely forgotten how people act when they are in a boring environment too long. Just being there with professional camera equipment meant that I was more or less Spielberg. Every person that walked or drove by had to either stop to examine what I was doing, or holler something. Seriously. Every person. Is it that boring there? Nothing else going on? At some point, I was waiting for the mayor and chamber of commerce to present us with a key to the city and a complimentary loose meat sandwich. Instead, I got the douchebag brigade, with squadron after squadron of hecklers and car horns, interspersed with the genuinely courteous and curious citizen. I enjoyed the citizens, and ignored the douchebaggery.

The people of Brownsburg pretty much left us alone. I guessed that since they live close to Indy, they probably have seen a photographer before, and thought my presence was commonplace.

The most interesting place was Lafayette, which had more activity than the other two towns, and had one of the great motels in America: the Best Western. It had a conference center, and was constructed in the 70's. Back then the Westerns had themes, and this one was English Manor, mixed with Cannonball Run. They had a Polynesian resort thing going on with the pool, the elevator was straight out of New York 1977, they had actual coffee mugs in the rooms (!), and the toilets were killer. I haven't seen such a fine example of 70's preservation. And I haven't seen a toilet like that since I went on the Kohler tour. Even the lounge was cool, which was appropriately named "The Cock N' Bull."

I was going to post a few examples, but the blogger interface is giving me trouble, so I will post them here on my phpgraphy site.

Huh?

Oh, how long was I sleeping?

A Good Time to Leave Minnesota

It's a good time to leave Minnesota. I don't say this because I didn't like it. I love my 'sota, but I don't think I could stand living there knowing that the three most beloved sports figures in the Twin Cities have left in less than a year.

First it was KG, who is legendary in his own time. You know you're good when you pop up in rapper's lyrics. I once went to a Wolves-Nuggets game back in 2002. Denver had a terrible team and the game was pretty much meaningless. I watched in awe as KG basically destroyed Denver. He never took a night off. He was so hyped, he pretty much supplied all of the electricity for the Target Center. Watching him, I knew I was watching a very special ballplayer, the rare breed of athlete who wears his heart on his sleeve, and plays to his full potential night in, night out. He actually cared about the game. He's a baller for life.

Then the beloved Torii Hunter went to the Angels in the off season. I've seen him stretch a single to a two-bagger, then distract the pitcher enough that he stole third virtually uncontested, because he knew exactly when to steal. He came up clapping his hands and shrugging to the Twins bench, his infectious smile and laugh lighting up the dugout. I'll really miss his media interviews. Now he'll be making $90M. Not bad for a poor kid from an Arkansas ghetto.

And the real reason I'm writing this: Johan Santana signed with the Mets yesterday. He is the best pitcher on the planet. No really, he is. Ask the experts. He is lights-out. And I know that the people of Minnesota loved him there.

It kills me to see these guys in other jerseys. For me, Hunter and Santana will always be Twins, and KG will always be synonymous with Minnesota. There is a black hole in the athletic universe, and it is in Minneapolis. What a wasteland. By the way, Randy Moss will be playing in the Super Bowl. Just to beat the dead horse.

HELGUERA’S INDEX

I read Helguera's Index a couple of months ago in Art On Paper, and I thought it was an interesting piece (especially the statistics about art schools) and wanted to pass it on. You can find it in the July/August 2007 issue. Also, you can download a PDF of it here.

Percentage of people in the art world who think panel discussions are boring: 74
Percentage of people in the art world who believe that contemporary art does not contribute to public political dialogues in a significant way: 79
Average tuition cost for a four-year B.F.A. at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, including living expenses: $162,480
Number of years that it would take to repay a school loan in this amount, including interest, with monthly installments of $350: 44
Estimated percentage of artists who still make art ten years after leaving art school: 10
Estimated percentage of art school graduates who succeed financially: 1
Estimated percentage who also succeed critically: 0.2
2006 sale price of Jasper Johns’ False Start, the highest price ever paid at auction for a living artist’s work: $80 million
Number of people in Burundi who could cover their living costs for one year with this amount: 200,000
Number of New York elected officials who defended The Drawing Center against being ousted from the planned International Freedom Complex after a New York Daily News article stated that the center sponsored “Anti-American art”: 0
Percentage of people in the art world who feel that people in the art world publicly support each other but secretly antagonize each other: 53
Percentage of people in the art world who feel that people are not sincere when they socialize at an art opening: 87
Percentage of those who often pretend they know an artist when they actually don’t for fear of being looked down upon: 50
Number of pages of advertising in the Summer 2007 issue of Artforum: 400
Ratio of advertising to editorial pages: 2.8 to 1
Monthly salary for a curator at the Centro Wilfredo Lam in Havana: $55
“Representation fee” that Agora Gallery in New York charges artists: $3,000
Average amount a performance artist gets paid to perform in the United States: $500
Average amount writer Malcolm Gladwell requests as a speaking fee: $30,000
Fee that the Guggenheim Museum charges to conduct a feasibility study for a Guggenheim in any given city: $1,000,000,000
Commission percentage that Damien Hirst’s Mexican gallery takes from the sale of his works: 5
Estimated number of people working at Jeff Koons’ studio: 50
Total staff at Bronx Museum of the Arts: 30
Number of assistants James Rosenquist hires to help make his paintings: 0
Number of Google hits for the Venice Biennale: 1,200,000
Number of Google hits for the Museum of Bad Art, an online museum: 9,510,100

By Pablo Helguera. Sources: artcritical.com; artnet.com; Bloomberg.com; Ford Foundation museum stats; Hermetic Lounge art world poll, 2004;
New York Times GDP stats; ocregister.com; Saatchi Gallery forum; SAIC’s tuition costs from the institution’s website.

The Urban Forest Project

My buddy Sunshine sent me this link yesterday for the Urban Forest Project.

"Basically, it's sponsored by the AIGA, and in each of the 3 cities they had a contest where all designers and students in that city could submit a design featuring a tree. The tree is a metaphor for sustainability, and whichever designs won, they would print onto huge banners and hang throughout the downtown area to raise awareness about sustainability and reforestation. After the banners were taken down, they sewed them into bags, using old seat belts from cars, and old bicycle tires as the straps and handles."

In short, it's right in my wheelhouse. I'd like to do something like this in Milwaukee.

I also found out that the Urban Forest Project is partly sponsored by Worldstudio Foundation, an awesome nonprofit that offers mentoring programs to underserved youth and scholarships that enable economically disadvantaged students of art, architecture and design to continue their studies.

They believe that creativity is able to affect tremendous social change. And they don't just talk about doing good. They actually do it.

So a big shout-out to Sunshine for sending me the Urban Forest link, because I never would have known about Worldstudio. Information rules.

Alewife Quote of the Day:

"I don't like ladies."