Capri Sun

You know, I have never been able to pierce that hole in those Capri Sun pouches without at least a little juice spilling out of the top. I have never had a "perfect piercing." Never.

The Phantom Job Offer

So I got a call from a placement agency a while ago, and my rep told me that a creative director I interviewed with in the area wanted to extend a job offer to me. I would be an art director for a local publisher, working on retail books and special projects. The job would not start for a few weeks, probably sometime in August. That phone call happened a month ago. For the past few weeks, I have called every week, to get updates on the status of my hire. I haven't received any new information, other than "I have a few calls in to her, and I'm waiting for her to get back with me." Hmmm. Not sure she sounds that interested in hiring me right away. My guess is that she's interviewing other candidates, probably from outside this placement agency, in the hopes to get someone qualified to do the job without having to pay the hefty agency talent fees that would come along with hiring me. In the meantime, I have 2 interviews lined up with ad agencies in the area, as well as a freelance gig with an architectural photographer to do remote photo shoots from time to time. It would be a good gig to fill in the gaps until something full-time comes along. I'd like to think that I don't have to interview anymore, and that I'll get a phone call from this placement agency, but I can't sit on my hands while the two parties play "whoever blinks first loses" game.

The Shirtless Guy Thing

O.K.

Just so all of you know, I am in no way poking fun at the shirtless guys in Milwaukee. For the record, I don't have the physique to take my shirt off and hang with these dudes. In short, I am envious of the Milwaukee Shirtless Guy. Maybe someday...

And the A-Hole of the Month Award Goes To...

The Weissgerber Old German Beer Hall! If you read my previous post this April, you know this place has already received an a-hole award from me. I decided to give them another chance when an out-of-town friend and I were in the Old World 3rd. We just went in for a beer and a brat this Friday at around 3 p.m. or so. Same result. A bunch of middle-aged natives were bellied up to the bar and began shouting some German drinking song while doing shots. My friend and I waited at the bar for 10 minutes or so while the bartender (and everyone else) ignored us, as if we pulled them away from their Bavarian fantasy and grounded them back to Wisconsin. The bartender seemed to be more concerned with talking about German Fest, cleaning his Hofbrau mug and finding a suitable authentic polka CD to pop in the stereo than serving us. Finally I said, "I think they're ignoring us, that's a-holish." and walked out. Again, the people seemed to be so enthralled with trying to be German that they actually became German. Not the "I am loaded, good-natured, hopelessly romantic and I love you" Germany Germans but the mean Germany Germans you run into from time to time. Don't get me wrong, I have some AWESOME German peeps I love, but I guess there are a-holes in every culture. I can say this because I'm the 3rd generation from the Fullmers who came from the fatherland. Since I have some roots there, I should be able to hang with these dummkopfs. Not so.

Jesus. You know, you can take a good thing too far. I figured since my uncle was a German POW in WWII, this place owes me free beer for the duration of my existence in Milwaukee. For the most part, the people of Milwaukee have been nothing short of awesome. This place has been the exception.

I told my friend that we can go down to the Irish pub, the Italian restaurant, or the Polish joint, because they at least welcomed you there, and as soon as you have a few in you, you're like a brother anyway, no matter the ancestry (didn't we find out we're all related to some guy in Ethopia anyway? Did I burn one too many? Do I order Caucasians instead of White Russians? Does the dude abide?)

The Old German Beer Hall may just earn my A-hole of the Year award. IT'S CERTAINLY THE FRONT-RUNNER. Someone, please step up and tell me it isn't so. Tell me it's just the douchebag behind the bar in the early afternoons, and most of the time it's not like this at all. The a-hole clock is ticking...

Summerfest '07

For those who don't live in Milwaukee, Summerfest is a big-time music festival that boasts about a dozen stages and about 50 music acts a day for two weeks. You can hear everything from jazz to funk to indie rock to, well, Lyndsey Buckingham. As you can guess, beer is flowing everywhere. Even the cool-off fountain for the kids has some sort of lite pilsner flowing from the fixtures. I'm sure of it.

They make you drink there. Seriously, they have security people conducting 'round the clock patrols to identify any and all non-drinkers and immediately escort them to the nearest Leinie Lodge for a Berry Weiss i.v.

My good pals from Chicago drove in to experience Summerfest with me. Mike Voss and the McCool drove in Friday night. I wanted to give them a good tour of Milwaukee so I took them to the Miller Brewery, followed by one of the most curious places I found: The Aqua Lounge. How this place escaped being a setting in a Miami Vice episode escapes me. But I always take out-of-towners there because it's funky and fun. The Aqua Lounge deserves its own entry, and I won't go into detail in this post, but I can say we got to bed between 4:30 and 5.

UP AT 9:00 FOR MIKE O! Our good buddy Mike O also made the trip from Chicago and rang the bell to get us up. Breakfast consisted of a bloody mary made with torpedo juice and fine vodka. We then proceeded to drink ourselves out of the house, with the last Sprecher and Miller High Life going down at around 1:30.

I can give a foggy hour-by-hour rundown of what happened next:
1:35 - we frantically search for a "to-go" cup
1:45 - we frantically search for a "to-go" cup
1:50 - vodka, lime juice, orange juice, and -- "oh the hell with it, just cut the f*&king lime up and drop it in there already."
2:10 - a head-on collision is narrowly avoided
2:20 - we tour the ruins of the Pabst Brewery. Mike O makes the rent-a-cop nervous by shouting out unintelligible gibberish out the window, like a Ukrainian with Tourette syndrome. We contemplate stealing the giant, 12-foot tall blue ribbon sign off of the building and fastening it to the Hyundai, rescuing it from the demolition and indignity it has suffered over the years. Damn you Budweiser!!!!!!
2:30 - we find FREE PARKING 4 BLOCKS AWAY FROM SUMMERFEST. Did I mention how much I love Milwaukee? We all pee indiscriminately in an alley atop a mound of wood chips. what the hell?
3:00 - we're in the park. we pass 3 miller lite stands and 42 sausage carts to find our way to a stage where a Who cover band is playing. We order 2 beers apiece. At one point, I take off my shirt and hump the lawn. Mike-O eats a spider. Voss laughs and smokes. McCool pretends to not be acquainted with us. It's going to be a great day.
3:30 - Mike O and I shout between each other in the port-a-john, even though we're 50 feet apart. I walk out looking confused and mad, glancing around to see who the shouting a-hole is.
4:00 - I share a big Italian sausage sandwich with Mike O. We then get our 3rd beer since gate entry.
4:15 - we see a lame indie band
4:20 - the dude abides
4:30 - 5:30 I don't know what the hell happened. I think we went to the other end of the park, engage in 3-4 more miller lites and shout out eagles tunes. The Eagles cover band, by the way, was simply amazing. Seriously, if you turned your head, you'd swear they were playing the radio. I'M NOT JOKING HERE. THE BEST COVER BAND I HAVE HEARD. TO THE NOTE.
O.K. - enough shouting. You get my point. It had to be made. We also discover Berry Weiss at this point, and head to the Briggs and Stratton lawn stage. Oddly enough, there is no grass in sight.
6:00 - 2 more lites and 2 more berry weiss consumed in this hour. We hear another amazing cover band, only to realize that it actually WAS the radio this time. We decide that maybe food is a good idea. We stop for a smoke break first, having a couple more lites. We find some plastic, quarter-operated miller barrels that vibrate the fillings out of your teeth, while providing a much-needed foot massage. I think it vibrated a bowel movement out of me without my knowing it. I find traces of it later.
6:30 - we find the most awesome falafel stand, and go hog wild with the hot sauce. 2 more berry weiss please!!!
7:00 - we see what I can best describe as a soul-gospel revival. people jumping all around. I'm dancing my ass off. Mike-O feeds Voss a falafel sandwich by hand. O then proceeds to mash up the remnants into what looks like pink couscous, and proceeds to eat it like Indiana Jones in the Indian camp in the Temple of Doom. I shudder and get another berry weiss. I point out "the loaded shirtless dude who's trying to dance like Cliff Huxtable" to my buddy Voss, who replies, "which one?"
8:00 - some dude in an afro asks if he can dance with me. At this point, i have been dancing nonstop for an hour, even when we're walking to another venue. I look like a white Dave Chapelle on ex. I spot an inflatable trampoline-kiddy thing, and proceed to bolt full speed towards it, and jump on top of the inflatable wall, only to find that IT WAS DEFLATING. I felt like I landed ass-first on a granite boulder. my tailbone is now 1/4 inch shorter. By now almost everyone in the park is lit, because about 50 people see this, then continue walking like they just passed the "AquaMassage" table at the mall. It's curious, but not enough to make you stop in your tracks.
8:40 - alkwenmacrei zkdvn nemf sdznc ferfa grknzv niuna qwe zasdf asdfnkjvn zvcrka ra
8:41 - if you have been to Summerfest, you understood that last entry
8:50 - HEEEEYYYY - ANOTHER BERRY WEISS FOR ME AND MY FRIENDS!!!! TO ALL MY FRIENDS!! YEAH!! GET POURIN' GET POURIN'!!!
9:00 - we're closing in on Lindsey Buckingham time. for the next hour and a half we consume 432 miller lites and 78 berry weiss, along with 896 smokes.
10:00 - we all sing Buddy Holly, Al Green, and one of my favorite songs from Led Zeppelin 3. The temperature is 70 degrees, the breeze is beautiful, and we're singing and dancing under the I794 overpass. Someone hugs us. We don't know who they are. This rules. We find a picnic table to stand on for the show.
10:15 - The music starts. It's so loud it hurts. I sneak away from time to time to catch Filthy children at the Chipotle stage. These white kids are TEARING IT UP!! I'm torn between the two shows before I realize, "Hey, I can take in about 4 shows at once!! THIS RULES!!!
12:00 - shows over, we get kicked out.
12:01 - 12:15 - HOT SUMMER........................HOT SUMMER NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (repeat this 628 times and you'll get the idea).
12:15 - 2:00 - We get sucked into a bar offering 1/2 off drinks for ladies. I try to jump high enough to get my head caught in a ceiling fan going full tilt in the bar area. I get into a shouting match with a guy about Chet from Weird Science. I pretend to ride a chopper and wipe out, repeatedly falling out of my chair. People think I'm loaded, and I explain I'm not, even though I am, but not enough to fall out of my chair. They think I'm a total clown. They're right.
2:20 - a new phrase is coined by Voss: "perhabst" or "perpabst"
2:25 - Mike O says "I'm nothing but a 7-layer dispenser." I dive out of the car window. A guy says "Hey, cool it!" and points to a car at the drive-thru menu board. I push myself back through the window into the passenger's seat in time to see a squad car pulling around to the drive-thru window. I give the guy a thumbs-up for the heads-up. We pull out and go home.
2:30 - another new phrase is coined: "MIOS DIOS!!" This puts me into the bushes with laughter.

So that was Summerfest. The shirtless guy count stood at 46, with a medallion count of 2. I regret not bringing a camera, but my buddy Brian has pictures from last year, and they pretty much could be my photos from this year. Enjoy.

As for Summerfest and the city, it was really, really great. Beer, sausage, and shirtless guys with medallions. All for 15 bucks admission.
Milwaukee, you have won my heart.

This Town is Crazy

I just got this message in my inbox 5 minutes ago:

"Let's not think about design, computer software, getting a job, losing a job, Mac or PC, web or print. Let's think about great company over Bocca's (yes we cater to veg-heads), Brats & Burgers accompanied by beers of all kind, soda and water. Yes, let's have a purely social meet up with cool people, including our very own Milwaukee Brewers.

So here's the deal - the event can be as cheap or as expensive as you want, we just want to see your shining face. You'll need to purchase your own ticket and bring something to drink to share, but the meat is on us as well as the fun times.

If you don't want to pay for parking, may I suggest Long Wong's shuttle on Bluemound?

If you just want to socialize, you won't even have to get a ticket.

If you do want to see the game, tickets are available on Brewer's Site from $13 to $85. There will be a big chunk of us in the 400's ($13 seats), so feel free to join us there.

The party doesn't stop there. After, we'll also be going to Festa for Italian goodness and fireworks. So how can you say no to such a great event?

Please, Please RSVP so I know how much meat and goodies to buy. Also, you'll be given my cell phone number so you can get easy access to us at the game."

Now this doesn't sound crazy, but here it is in context: I get about 4 of these a month. There are also at least 5 festivals going on in Milwaukee during said month. There is also music in the park series every Wednesday, where parents get to wheel in wagons with loaded coolers. Then you have the once-a-month social events going on weekdays and there are about 4 of them a month for designers. Don't forget Jazz in the Park, 4th of July, Bastille Day, and Summerfest, as well as the traditional summer harvest celebrations. Put it all together and you're partying 3 times a week on average, and I think you could squeeze in a couple more because I'm not even looking at the weekly reader they have here.

So far I have been to 4 festivals this past month and I haven't even tried. It's totally nuts.

The Shirtless Guy Theory

Since I have been here in Milwaukee for a month now, I have developed a theory and so far it has proven to be correct.
Here is the theory: I cannot go one day without seeing an out-of-shape white guy with his shirt off. They have no shame here. Hell, I even see them in billboard advertisements on 94. There is a sense of pride I guess in showing off your pale, paunchy bratwurst repository. You have to love it. There must be some sort of post-adolescent rite of passage here I'll never know about.
Regardless, you will frequently find a shirtless guy count on many of my posts, especially if I am writing about a festival I've been to. Who knows, there may even be a picture or two.

Polish Fest

Really, the festivals in Milwaukee are quite similar. They all involve the over-consumption of quality beer and some sort of sausage. Everything else is just a variation of the theme. This time it was me throwing my arms around an old Polish couple in their 70's and having a laugh while waiting in the Kielbasa line. I got a Polish plate, cheese pierogies, a 3/4 pound, 16-inch kielbasa served with 6 ounces of sauerkraut nestled in a one-pound loaf of bread sliced down the middle. Holy schnikes, I am going to gain a LOT of weight around here.

As I ate the best pierogie I ever had, I listened to the sound of 6 competing polka bands playing over each other and watched all of the out-of-shape, shirtless white guys milling around with Miller High Life in plastic cups. I started a shirtless guy count. Today it stood at 23. This simple, blue-collar midwest thing they have going is exactly what I love.

It's like my father-in-law said a week earlier as we went in to Turners on a Fish Fry Friday: "Jesus, it's like I walked into a Pieter Bruegel painting." I couldn't have described it better. These descendants from German, Belgium and Flemish immigrants were simply doing what their ancestors had done for hundreds of years: celebrating something or other with friends, family, hearty food and much drink. The whole place reeks of old-world Germany.

Right then I decided I had moved to the coolest place I could move to.
I knew it when we approached the gates to pay our admission and the guy behind the glass said, "Ah, take a couple of bucks off. The kid gets in free. Tell the guy at the gate that Johnny says it's o.k."

Milwaukee.