The Popcorn Conversation

A co-worker and I had a half-hour talk the other day about popcorn. It stemmed from an earlier conversation we had about it, which sounds weird. I told my co-worker about how I have not had microwave popcorn for 5 or 6 years because we got an air popper as a gift in '01, and then told him about some factory workers getting lung disease from the powdered "flavoring" used in the bags.

Then a few days later, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinal ran an article about the dangers of microwave popcorn and how ConAgra dropped the dangerous chemical!! That spurned the half-hour conversation about it. Don't get me started on ConAgra. They have a laundry list of lawsuits and a criminal-like history of sociopathic behavior. That's a subject for another post. But back to popcorn, how dangerous is this flavoring chemical to the casual consumer?

We couldn't believe that someone in Colorado who ate two bags a day for ten years had the same lung damage as the popcorn plant workers!! What??!! Unbelievable!! Who knew that stuff was that bad?? Furthermore, who eats two bags of popcorn a day for ten years?? That's the real question. Popcorn? I mean, I could see even one bag a day, but Jesus man, put it down for a while.

It's best to go old-school, buy the corn kernels from a small outfit and air pop them. Just pretend it's 1983 and you just put in the rented tape of E.T. in the VCR and you're totally stoked about the miracle of rented movies.

Bushhand

This is a new term I invented. It pertains to the shorthand Bush often talks in.

Example: "The taking of a life – to save a life – is unethical."

Bushhand for: "The taking of a life – to save a life – is unethical. Unless it is a war, military campaign, police action, or negligence by a corporate multinational, or anything else Rumsfeld tells me is o.k. That's right, I still call him for advice. Man, a grilled reuben sounds real good about now."

T-minus 1 day

...and counting for my son's birthday. As I look back on this past year I can say it's been crazy. And crazy good at that. We moved from the Twin Cities to Milwaukee, went through three jobs, moved again, and put out a refrigerator fire. I had a three month sabbatical with my son over the summer when we moved to Milwaukee. All I thought about was popsicles, beaches, kites, pizza, Dr. Seuss, Peep and the Big Wide World (the theme song by Taj Mahal is the best), and fireworks. Awesome. Then I had to get a job, which gave me a panic attack and forced me to seriously think about what I really like to do and how I should spend my working hours dedicated to improving the human condition on some level.

Whatever, I have been busy trying to dig shortbread cookies out of the console shifter on my car and trying not to cuss out the person who leaves their shoes 3 inches from the bedroom door in the pitch dark of night. Anyway, the year spent with my 3 year old has been the best.

Best moment: Three way tie: naked cowboy, his moving van "Victory Dance," and floating aimlessly down the pond in an inflatable raft, only to come face-to-face with a snapping turtle.

Most memorable: My son locking himself in the bathroom, with no key, and me drawing diagrams on paper showing which knob to turn and which way to turn it–then shoving it underneath the door so he could read it. He about lost it, and I almost had to climb a ladder and break the window to get in. Good start to the day.

A Guide to your Freelance Business

Stumbled upon Freelance Switch - The Freelance Blog. It's an awesome resource for folks like me who freelance from time to time. It's even better for those who are pursuing the freelance gig full time. From figuring your hourly rate to creating a marketing and business process, it's a great reference site.

Incentives for Being Green

Two sites that list rebates and cold hard cash for being smart:

Database of State Incentives for Renewables and Efficiency

American Council for an Energy-Efficient Economy

Yo - Drop the Dimes

GreenDimes is a service that stops most of the junk mail you get. Just register, and they moniter the marketing lists that advertisers use to send you all kinds of rubbish through your mailbox.

So visit, register, and then watch your junk mail disappear–not to mention the trees, water, and local taxes you save. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Vacation

If you haven't noticed, I have been on a lengthy vacation. And I have no shame. I am going to post some links I have accumulated recently, so look for new s-tuff. Don't be shy. Do look for a new design and daily posts next year. Don't drive drunk. Do call a limo or stay home. Don't eat too many sweets. Do call your mother. Don't fight with your sister. Do read this blog in January. Don't scold me for not posting for two + months. Do buy Peter Bjorn & John's Writer's Block (despite charges of lip-synching and fakery lately). Don't listen to corporate radio.

New Ikea Commercial

A new Ikea commercial, which I love, by SCPF Barcelona.
This is the kind of place I think I'd like to work for, or a place I'd like to run someday.

My Case Against Dylan

Get ready folks, I'm getting ready to criticize an American institution. Truthfully, I wouldn't take the time to publish my thoughts on the matter, but his recent move leaves me no option.

You see, for a couple of years now, I have been trying to convince people that there may be some current artists out there that have made a bigger contribution to American culture than Bob Dylan. Just writing that seems asinine, and I know I'm probably dead wrong, but these are my thoughts, and I'm entitled to them.

Watching the PBS special on Dylan didn't help all that much. It's pretty well known that he was a music thief for some time, readily "borrowing" themes, ideas and notes from other musicians. Well, that's too political. He stole songs. Just stole them outright. But hey, if artistic theft is a crime, Picasso would be serving a life sentence, right? And what about hip-hop? I love Beck. The idea of borrowing or using artistic themes to inform your own work is perfectly acceptable to me. As long as you make it your own. But my point is that Bobby's music and ideas aren't always his own, and maybe his work is not beyond question.

With that said, Blood on the Tracks is one of the best albums of that era, and I think he does have musical genius, as well as a great mastery of the lyric. O.K.?

But when said music god decides to be featured in a Cadillac commercial where he cruises through the desert in a f*ck*ng Escalade and says some bunk sh*t about "What's life without a detour" or some equally lame tag line, I have to call him out.

WTF BOB? You need a paycheck? What's the motivation here? You want to spread the message to the world that it's okay to lay down (or go into debt) 60 grand for a tagged up Suburban? I won't even get into the obvious problems with the implications of having a backwards environmental stance. He can do what he wants to, but man, an Escalade? You had to go there? Really? Want to re-think that move?

Somehow I don't see Springsteen pulling the same move. Know what I mean? Could you see him doing donuts in a desert with a Ford Expedition, getting out with some cool shades on, and saying "What's life without a little Detour - by the way, this baby comes with a fully-boxed frame" in his gravelly voice??

At some point, Springsteen learned that along with fame, there comes a sort of responsibility–or an obligation–to give back to the public that has given you this fame. I think he realized this back in '84 when he rejected boat loads of money from Chrysler when they wanted to feature "Born in the U.S.A." in one of their car commercials. Since he wrote that song as a protest to the way Vietnam veterans (some of whom were his friends and bandmates) were being treated instead of some pro-America banner song, he must have been totally aggravated by its misuse in the first place. But my point is, he didn't take the money. How is it that more than 20 years later we have Dylan falling into this trap? Is he losing it? I think someone needs to keep this guy home for observation for a week or two, right?

But on this one subject of corporate sell-out, it seems that Springsteen has taken the higher road here. As you can tell, I am a bigger fan of Springsteen. Give me Springsteen over Dylan any day if I'm stranded on an island and I had to listen to one or the other.

I have argued my point for years that I think Springsteen has contributed more to American culture than Dylan has. Both are tremendous artists, but I think that somehow Springsteen's impact is underestimated. I really think future generations looking back will realize his impact to a fuller extent. I am so wrong writing this. Any music critic worth their weight in salt would tear me a new one for believing this. Well, they can get lost. You know what else? I also believed that The Flaming Lips peaked somewhere between Transmissions From the Satellite Heart and Clouds Taste Metallic. Yeah, that's blasphemy. I truthfully can't listen to some of their later stuff. But that's how I feel. Maybe it's just me.

Back to Springsteen's underrated impact. Here's a quick example: Without Nebraska, there would not be U2's Joshua Tree. And without the Joshua Tree....

Get what I'm saying?

Although I don't like it when artists start doing corporate adverts (that means you too, Common!! I hope your hip-hop friends grilled you for 'Peace, Love and Gap,') I hate it even more when it's senseless advertising. Seriously, what's the connection between Dylan and Cadillac, other than the obvious Boomer identity crisis angle? Is he taking marketing advice from Gene Simmons?

Ugghh. At least Prince wants you to think he smells like his cologne, right?

I shouldn't care. Middle finger to Cadillac and Bob on this one. That's about how much of my time it's worth.

From now on, when I come across an advertising piece that fits in this category, instead of writing an extended rant, I will simply write, "Middle finger to ____."

Saves me time.

Neighborhood Update

Here is the news from our old neighborhood in St. Paul:
1. A pregnant lady got beaten and raped on the corner of 3rd and Earl, just 4 houses down from our old house.
2. two drug busts on our old neighbor's front lawn.
3. The crack house on the corner burned down.

It's really saddening, because they are trying to make that neighborhood a good place to live, but people there are desperate. They have no money, no real jobs, and it's a competitive city. You have to have your sh*t together to make it work. Even if you are a college grad, you have to hustle it. As Frank Sobotka from The Wire would say, "We used to make shit in this country, build shit. Now we just put our hand in the next guy's pocket."

Which is why there are problems in East Saint Paul. There is no industry anymore. The Ford plant just closed there. Where do these people go for jobs? Now they just rob other people, or as my neighbor Jeff does, make meth out of their kitchens and create a drug distribution channel, with traffic goin in and out all night. I have a previous post that touches on this guy's weirdness.

I feel lucky that we got out when we did, not to mention getting $175,000 for our tiny 960 sq. ft. house. And did it without a realtor. I think we missed the housing crash by a couple of months.

Milwaukee Neighborhood Update:

1. My former landlord, Mark, has put up a 4-sale sign in his front lawn, 3 weeks after we moved out. No one has rented his place, and he is way behind on his payments. Since my neighbor told me that the cops were there last week and she hasn't seen anyone, I wonder if the bank foreclosed on him. I also wonder if he listed the "meth-ready kitchen" as a bonus on the realtor's sell sheet.

As far as our new place, it rules. We have enough room here, without even using the sunroom in the back and the studio space upstairs. It feels like some sort of Bavarian castle. The fireplace is ready and begging to be used. Our landlady watches the Pack every Sunday and drinks Coors and shots of brandy while hollering at the t.v. She's in her late 60's. I will now call her Grandma Coors. Last week when the pack won she said, "I'm gonna have to fly my Packers flag out front, Old Glory is gonna have to take a backseat for awhile." I love Wisconsin.

UPDATE:

Since I have received 2 e-mails, a phone call, and an angry (perhaps rightfully so) anonymous post from someone who apparently knows me (by the way, if you are who I think you are - you didn't get the phone message?) I have re-thought my stance on the fact that the activity on my blog is sinking faster than Tommy Lasorda's libido. I will press on due to increasing pressure. I will only say this to all the people who have hollered at me in the past few days: you will be personally held responsible for my cocaine habit, as well as the ensuing bills from the various treatment programs I'll be in (on the upside, I will get to hang with Lindsey Lohan and Owen Wilson).

By the way, did I mention that my refrigerator caught fire last night? Can't I get at least one night of peace please?

What am I,
F#ck*ng Job from the Bible?

When do the locusts come? Will I have to make a midnight run to True Value for the bug bombs? gas masks? how about a flamethrower? I'm seriously thinking about calling The Wolf from Pulp Fiction to help me sort this out.

I haven't called my parents in over a week, I haven't talked to my buddy Voss on our birthday plans, even though I told him we'd talk on Sunday. It took me 5 days to cancel an insurance policy that cancelled itself. Jess and I had to share one car for a week, then I promptly had to drop $700 to get the other car out of the graveyard. I have to have some time to at least notify people of what's up, but I'm on more CPR jobs than Gage and Desoto from Emergency 51. If my refrigerator isn't on fire, than I'm unloading appliances in my basement, finding out which cardboard box has my toothbrush, bugging my old landlord for my deposit back (oh yeah, I'll have to make an appointment with my lawyer too), entertaining out-of-town friends, watching Isaac while Jessica hangs one of the FIVE art shows she's had since we moved, working on the ROOF LEAK, unclogging the kitchen sink, updating a web design for a freelance client. interviewing for A BIG design agency, finding a refrigerator, finding a bed for Isaac, figuring out where the gas leak is coming from, ARRRRRRGGGHHH.

Seriously, I know I have to push all these things back and call people, BUT MY REFRIGERATOR IS ON FIRE. How ridiculous is this situation? I will now light myself on fire and jump out the window.

Updates

So I have been working on a post for the past few days that basically says, "I told you Cleveland would spank New York," followed by about 5 paragraphs of supporting evidence along with reasons why Arizona and Colorado were even in the playoffs and why Joe Torre has lost his marbles. Then I realized that no one really cares, which brings me to:

update 2: We moved, we have been living out of boxes for two weeks, I unloaded a washer and dryer into the basement last week and my schedule is still thrown off. I'm living in a new house, I have a new job, I have been recruited for another new job, Jessica has a new job, she's had 5 shows since we moved here, we didn't have a car, then we did, now we have 2. Isaac being Isaac requires parlay time. Basically, our lives have been busier than ever before, which leads me to:

update 3: I might just pull the curtain on this blog thing. Seriously, I don't see where I'm going to fit the time in. Maybe when I settle into a nice routine, I might think about putting my time into it, but right now I can't even update my Netflix queue. Now how sad is that? Believe me, I would love nothing more than to write down all the thoughts I think are amusing (like how many times I listened to Jimmy Kimmel's podcast where he said he would put his cousin Sal in the back of his massage circle because he farts so much,) but reality dictates that I stick to my gravy job. If someone wanted to pay me to make semi-amusing comments about how much my butcher looks like Paul Rodriguez, I would definitely take them up on it. But seeing how I have a better chance of waking up to find that I was meeting George Clooney in the afternoon to swing the wrenches at our favorite course, I will continue to climb into my Oldsmobile and pimp myself to work.

Important stuff you'll still find. But I don't see a daily post going up here unless I discover cocaine.

The Agony of Defeat

This is an actual photo of the Brewer's bullpen


Here's a recap of what I wrote my buddy Voss the other day:

"?It took me a full day to write this, but a begrudging congratulations to you and the Cubs. It looks like the $500 trillion you guys spent in the off-season has allowed to withstand a complete collapse in the last 10 games. Unlike the Brew Crew, which had the Klement's Chorizo sausage out on the mound in the 8th inning to protect their 7-run lead over the Padres. WTF, man? Is all the Knackwurst and Miller High Life going to their heads?

By the way, didn't I tell you way back in May that Cordero was a chump? Listen to the Gang man. WE NEED A BULLPEN. I personally asked the owner of the Brewers to try to sign Dennis Eckersley to a 1-year, $19 million contract. Hell, the one-armed candle salesman that sports a captain's hat next door can do a better job at holding leads. I am going to the Milwaukee tryouts next year. At least I can go out to the mound with a look on my face that says "There's no F*cking way we're losing this game," unlike Turnbow, who constantly looks like he just pissed himself. Now we'll have to rely on all of the comforting sausage, cheese and beer sales in the offseason to make enough money to bring Lee Smith out of retirement. Great. Anyway, I can't wait to cheer on the Cubs, because after all, I am a midwestern guy, and my dad would have said "I don't give a damn if you do live in Milwaukee, I'm rooting for the Cubs." Well screw you, dad. And you're right somehow. I'll resurrect my dad and the ghost of the '84 Cubs and root them to the NLCS (remember, if the Cubs improbably finish off the D-backs, the Padres won't have a chance, unless Steve Garvey suits up again.... I'm just sayin')."

Whoops, looks like the Padres just lost. Enjoy Denver. No, really. Enjoy it. I'll be giggling like a 3-year old when Cleveland spanks New York and then escapes Boston with the ALCS. Then they'll destroy whatever team is coming from the national league. Don't say I didn't warn you.

open for business

I'm up and running.

10 days

I'm soooper busy this week. Work is hectic. I am not able to work on my design resource isea, or write down what's going on in the crack shack. I smelled something horrible this morning @ 2. They were cooking something, and it wasn't food. It made me kind of sick.

Will write and work on design resource when i get a minute or two. We move in 10 days.

Tis the Season to be a Carnie

There is something quietly disturbing about having a carnie shack up with you when the state fair summer season comes to an end. We found out that our "My Name is Earl" nightmare version of a landlord has a buddy that's a carnie. Oh, and he also happens to live upstairs with said nutty landlord, "faces of meth" girlfriend, and Tony. He also brought his girlfriend to live here, a very classy, sophisticated socialite by the name of Crystal. That's right folks, we have 5 people (and 27 hours of Jeff Foxworthy comedy material) living above us now.

I have started a countdown by writing the number of remaining days we have left in this house that should be placed in Hazzard County. Living here has now become the equivalent of the Waltons, if only Ma and Pa drank themselves to death and the kids promptly dropped 60 IQ points and installed a meth lab in their bath tub.

The carnie's name is Perry, and my wife counted no less than 8 people coming in and out of the house during the day (another 4 at night).

These people play loud music and party until about 5 AM, then promptly disappear until the afternoon, when they crank back up. Tony told me that they are rock stars, which explains the noise and the ability to be wired 24-7. It also explains why I mysteriously started calling our home "the crack shack" about a week ago. I guess I have a nose for these things, or maybe it was the numerous, mysterious 10-minute "runs" they would take, pulling all of the shades and locking the doors when they got back with their wadded up, 10-year old McDonald's bags. Also, we watched the girlfriend frantically wash her truck IN THE RAIN. It was almost as good as watching her trying TO DRY IT IN THE RAIN. Let me type that again. SHE TRIED TO DRY HER TRUCK IN THE RAIN. Not a mist, or a drizzle. A full-on rain. Maybe that's what tipped me off. Call me a pessimist, but I don't think you can ever completely dry a truck while it's still raining.

My landlord has a 12-year old son from a relationship with an old girlfriend, and she is getting married to some other guy. He was supposed to go to court because she wants full custody. In order to make the hearing an easy choice for the judge (and to avoid paying child support), he gets wasted before he goes to court, and promptly gets put in a holding cell until the evening because he's all f*cked up. My guess is that she has full custody now.

Perry and his girlfriend Crystal got in a huge fight and she stole my landlord's motorcycle this morning and rode to a bus station, where she ditched the bike and hopped the first bus going to Phoenix.

There is also now a dog living upstairs. That was just today. Can't wait for tomorrow.

Call For Entries

I am thinking about creating a design resource online, sort of an online design/art journal, to use as a reference when looking for fresh ideas or inspiration. I know I have some designer friends that read this from time to time, as well as others. I encourage designers, as well as non-designers to email me with any logos, graphics, products, book covers, anything that you really like, and I'll try to get it up.

E-mail me at ganglanddesignresource@gmail.com

This should be up in a week or so.

Brew Crew

The Brew Crew is ridiculous. They are one of the few teams in baseball that score 8 runs, and still are in a panic in the 7th and feel they need to tack on a few extra to get the win. Can their bullpen be any worse? This team banged out 210 home runs, yet still struggles to keep themselves in contention. I say combine the Twins bullpen and the Brewers offense, and you'll get the best team in baseball.

By the way, I'm totally happy to be a packers and a brewers fan, because I think they both might have the best logos in professional sports. Can you really beat the Brewers old-school logo? I mean, it's perfect. They work in the m, the b, and a catcher's mitt and a baseball.

The Willingham Watch

While most of the college football nation talks about Notre Dame and how much they suck (why is this even a topic?) with current coach Charlie Weis, there has been little said about the coach he replaced, Tyrone Willingham and his Washington Huskies.

For those of you who don't know the story of Ty Willingham, here is a short synopsis:

He got off to an auspicious beginning in 2002 when he became the only first-year coach in Notre Dame history to win 10 games. For his efforts he was named the ESPN/Home Depot College Coach of the Year,^[2] the Scripps College Coach of the Year, the Black Coaches Association Male Coach of the Year and the George Munger Award College Coach of the Year by the Maxwell Football Club. The next year, Notre Dame finished 5-7, then went 6-5 in '04.

After going 21-15 over three seasons, he gets fired. No other Notre Dame coach was let go with years remaining on his contract, and a shorter tenure. They bought out his remaining years on his contract and sent him packing, without even getting a decent chance to play all of the players he recruited.

So in comes Charlie Weis, the NFL bigshot, riding into town to save the storied franchise, because he worked with Bellichek and Bill Parcells. They sign him to a bigger contract without seeing him coach a college team, and to add insult to Willingham, they somehow, incredibly, give him a $40 million contract extension after he goes 9-3 in his first season (Willingham had gone 10-2 in his first). By this time, Willingham is presiding over a Washington team that had gone 1-10 before he got there, then 2-9 under him. He must have wanted to set himself on fire.

It is known in the general population of South Bend that the Willingham firing stirred some controversy. It is also fairly common to hear folks say that Notre Dame alumni like to have black players on the team, but maybe not so much to have a black leader. I'm not leaning one way or the other on the race issue, but it does stink a little, like going to an art opening when they have the fancy cheese out, and it smells like corpse feet. You look around and think, "should I even eat this?" That's the way I feel about it.

The case remains open with some folks, because he compiled the exact winning percentage of Bob Davie, the successor to Holtz, but Davie was given 5 years to prove himself. Willingham didn't even get to see his senior recruits play.

So while Weis goes 9-3 with Willingham's recruits, he now has his own recruits playing and sits atop a storied ND program that has been embarrassed by unranked teams the past two weeks, compiling an 0-2 record while boasting a total of -8 yards rushing. Meanwhile, Willingham is coaching a team that destroyed Syracuse and then beat #22 Boise State this weekend. His Washington Huskies sit 2-0 for the season, his third year of recruiting.

Here is what the Axe man from Syracuse had to say about the Washington thrashing of Syracuse:

Standing just a few feet away from Washington coach Tyrone Willingham after the game turned out to be a scary experience.
He talked and acted like a man who just knew things were going to turn out this way. Every coach has confidence in their team, but Willingham had an aura about him that seemed as if he climbed in his flying Delorean and saw how this game would play out before arriving on campus. Perhaps he threw the wind comment out there just to throw us off the trail of just what exactly he knew about this game.

"We expected to do what we did, Willingham said after the game,"That is our expectation in every game"
This next one also shook me to the core. It was just the way he said it. It was as if he had to fight off a smirk when it came out of his mouth
He began the remark commenting that he knew Syracuse underestimated Washington's speed then said...

"That is the most speed we've had on the field in three years, and it showed in a lot of positions. There was one play where Louis (Rankin) didn't look like he had the corner, and then the next thing you know, he's going in for the TD."

I hereby am starting the Willingham Watch. As you can tell, I think ND screwed him over, then promptly stated it had nothing to do with race (they might be right), but then added insult to injury by giving Weis a $40 10-year contract after he loses one more game than Willingham his first year, using Willingham's players.

I always liked Ty Willingham and I thought he was what ND needed. But perhaps it's best that he's out in Seattle, because when ND loses, South Bend is a small, small place to be.

Anyway, Washington sees Ohio State (#12), UCLA(#13), and USC(#1) the next three weeks, and that is as tough a schedule as you'll see. They could end up 2-3 in three weeks, in which case this post will look silly. It is a murderous schedule, and the odds are against him. But if they pull off an upset or two, I told you so.

Willingham Bowl Watch is on. And this South Bend native is smiling all the way to the BCS.

Trapped in the Closet

So a year or two ago I heard about R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet." Since everyone talked about either how horrible or how genius it was, I bought the first 12 chapters. I listened to it, laughed my ass off, and then forgot about it. THEN yesterday by accident, it came up on my iTunes at work. It scores a solid 8 on the unintentional comedy scale. Then again, the question begs, is it unintentional? I know R. Kelly swears he invented a new form of music (hip hopera) and all indications are that he seems to be really serious about this serial drama of his.

Somehow, though, I think he is really in on the joke. He has to be because it's so bad. He HAS to know that you can't take any piece of music seriously if you are singing about a well-endowed midget who craps himself and an old nosy neighbor who defends herself with a spatula. He's messing with us, right? He probably sat down and thought, "I wonder how far I can go. Just what will people buy? If I make it borderline bad, drawn out and goofy/funny/stupid, will people still like it?" It certainly creates conversation.

So I highly recommend listening to it, even if you think it's stupid, because it's worth the time trying to figure out if he's serious.

This Just In

Bill Simmons is hilarious. I just read this and had to repost it:
Green Bay Packers Old quarterbacks are like old strippers, old rappers and older bottles of white wine -- with the exception of Don Strock and that's really it, they get dramatically worse with age. Most people think Brett Favre is just about washed-up; actually, he is washed up. According to Pro Football Prospectus, Green Bay led the league in overthrown passes last season. In 2005 and 2006, Favre turned the ball over 64 times. Heading into Week 14 last season, the Packers were 4-8 and lost to four teams with good defenses (the Bears, Pats, Eagles and Jets) by a combined 130-19 margin. What else do you need to know?





Trust Bill here: This is a picture of two washed-up old guys.




(Note: I feel bad for the underrated Packers defense, which has a chance to be really good this season. I also feel bad for the good people of Wisconsin. In the span of seven months, they could watch the Brew Crew blow its division to the hated Cubs, followed by the greatest QB in Packers history potentially embarrassing himself in his final season, and then Chairman Yi playing 20-25 minutes per game -- guaranteed by Herb Kohl to the Chinese government, as reported by Ric Bucher!!!!! -- and single-handedly killing the Bucks' playoff hopes. The only silver lining is they'll be covered in mustard and cheese sauce the entire time. Could we send an extra shipment of EKG machines to Wisconsin please? And make it a rush order. Thanks.)

Correction: We'll be covered in mustard, cheese sauce, rendered meat fat, frozen custard AND Miller High Life. God help us.

At least we aren't the Vikings, though, who are in the "two years away from saying, "I can't believe we turned the reins over to Tavaris Jackson" era."

T.V. Revision

I know that my last television post was a little outdated, with the Sopranos, Six Feet Under and Carnivale on the list, even though most of those shows are over.

So here goes my attempt to update the television offerings:

1. Living with Ed - I have only seen this once, but I am slightly amused at how Ed Begley Jr. and his wife trade cheap shots while he defends his decision to penny-pinch, like keeping a 17-year old carpet (it looks fine, what's wrong with it?), It might not turn out to be a great t.v. series, but for me it's worth checking in now and then to keep up on what his neighbor (Bill Nye) is up to.

2. Anthony Bourdain - No Reservations - Now this tight, intellectual show from the Travel Channel has become one of my must-see shows during the week. Any time I get to watch a famous chef get hammered in Hong Kong and eat squid balls (with the black ink) or cruise around the desert with a vagabond-hippie-character straight out of a Hunter S. Thompson book headed for Vegas, well, it makes for good t.v. in my opinion. What really gets me is his witty writing, his humanist views, his genuine curiosity and openness regarding strange food from other cultures. Add in his eloquent, timely narration and his penchant for beer and hard alcohol, and you have a winner. A recent show in Mexico focused on the border and how the two cultures exist.

He basically states that on the border there is an unavoidable mixing of the cultures, Americans and Mexicans working and living side by side, their lives intertwined by relation, work, food, and friendship and are only separated by those who are obsessed with lines and boundaries, and their attempts to keep the "others" out.

See it. I'm asking you to do it once. Watch it.

My New Job

I just started my new job this week at a local ad agency. I like it. It's a cool environment, and I get good benefits and the people seem to be pretty decent. They have decorated, "themed bathrooms" (guys can choose from the Packers, the Graffiti Wall, or the Deer Hunter bathrooms) and a nice cafe, along with an outdoor Weber Grill and a fridge full of goodies. The work is good, and I think I can learn some things there. It seems to be a nice place, with not an insane amount of chaos and pressure. It's pretty laid-back and tame, if you compare it to the agency on Mad Men. Working in advertising is probably one of the most fun things you can get paid to do.

The Father-in-Law

Most people don't relish hanging out with their in-laws. I am an exception. My in-laws are super cool. They are old-school anti-establishment types who went to art school in the 60's. In fact, if I were born in 1945 I would be my father-in-law.

To the left is a Haier coffee maker.
The other week my mother-in-law (we call her MOMA - like museum of modern art - get it?) bought my father-in-law this particular brand of new coffee maker you see above. It's ultra-sleek and modern. So MOMA asks my father-in-law the other day, "How is the new coffee maker?" He says "oh, you mean the medieval castle?" Obviously, he doesn't like the design.

Then another week goes by and he tells MOMA that it doesn't work. So when I get there I inspect it, but it's working. Then he shows me the water tank, and I see what he's talking about. When you open the lid to pour in the water, you only have a little over a 1/4" - about - 3/8" to pour the water in. Even if you are using a water pitcher, the water goes everywhere but in the tank. You need a funnel to get it in there. The design is horrible. Totally not functional. As he shuts the lid, he says "designed by some exterior-surface-decorative-son-of-a-bitch."

Amen.

I love Panera

Not so much for the food, which is definitely a step up from fast food, but for their free wifi access. Jessica can go anywhere and post her online class if she gets in a pinch. They are pretty prevalent around the midwest. Sounds like a small thing, right?

Free wifi is no small thing, though. Does Starbucks have it? How about McD's? Barnes & Noble? Arby's? We have found that we have to pay for wifi in some of these stores. But with Panera, it's free, and I suppose it's for their business customers who might want to do a meeting there. Smart marketing.

So, the food is decent, and the wifi is free. I am a fan.

Beer Can Art

I just came across this online magazine story about people who keep their empties and make sculptures out of them. Isaac and I are partial to the yellow submarine.

Decal-athon

Creativepro has an article covering the history of decals and cool ways to create them now, thanks to inkjets. I may start pimping out my Oldsmobile with these beauties.

The Energy Tipping Point

Interesting CNN story about whether or not we have reached the energy tipping point. There is a related special report on Fueling America that deserves a look.

Escape from 70th

We did it. We have been looking for a few days and happened across this gem of a home located about 15 blocks from where we live now. Here are the details:

HUGE 1500 sq. ft. upper Duplex with 2 spacious Bedrooms + Library. Beautiful Living Room with leaded glass window and a Natural Fireplace. Formal Dining Room has built in buffet. Kitchen has newer gas range and refrigerator. Central air. If this weren't enough--there is an extra room that could be office, computer room, hobby room, den or ???? Sunroom in back overlooks Jacobus Park. Also has a 10x12' attic bedroom with full window and an additional 700 sq. ft. for a studio space. Close to public transportation, shopping, Medical College, downtown.

Also, the woman that lives in the other half of the duplex is the landlord, and her name is Bea. She already loves my kid, she has offered to watch him, and she's my mother's age. She will probably end up being the 3rd mother. A sweet lady. Aunt Bea.

Finally, we will have a spacious, quiet place to live and save enough money to put on a house in a year or two. Plus, I don't think she is a meth user, and I don't think she's been tazed by the cops lately.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

My landlord just got tazed

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days. I found out that my landlord, who lives upstairs, and his girlfriend were crack smokers. The girlfriend also has mental problems and has been in and out of treatment centers. She can't afford her meds, so she breaks down all the time and cuts herself. Apparently last Friday my landlord called the police on her because she cut herself (I was out of town), and then THIS Friday he called the cops on her again!! Same thing. So I am watching my 3-year old son and his friend ride their tricycles in the driveway when the police and rescue units roll up. My wife grabs the kids and heads over to the neighbors and I sip my beer while I watch my wasted landlord get lippy with the cop through his upstairs window which is open. Then my landlord SHOVES him. The cop hits him with the tazer and hollers at him to get down on the floor. My landlord says "That feels good!" So the cop cranks up the voltage and really lets him have it. Some wrestling ensues and backup arrives. They carry him off in the squad and they carry out the tweaker girlfriend. She will probably be in 48-hour observation, while the landlord has a court appearance.

In all seriousness, the neighborhood we live in is great. It's like Pleasantville. Except for this guy. How could we have known? I guess he looked a little White T to me but I didn't know that he had a bad history. I guess you should do a background check on the landlord if you plan on renting a property. I started looking at properties today. Lesson learned. I'm visiting the cop shop when I have an address in mind. We're not ready to buy yet, and we want to save some cash for a year. But if this happens in the best neighborhoods, how often is this same thing going on all over?

Banana Bread

My pet peeve: a loaf of bread that has been sitting next to a bunch of bananas. Actually, pretty much anything placed next to a bunch of bananas. Why does everything taste like banana when they are in close proximity? The bread is the worst, though. I hate that.

Later This Week

I think later this week I will recount my glorious three months of summer vacay. It might have been the best ever.

I'll Take It!

I just got a job offer from an ad agency. I will no longer be unemployed. Awesome.

Plug Me In

California. Good lookin' out.

Toyota and the University of California will be testing plug-in hybrids there as part of a development program to make them a reality. Plug-in hybrids are more powerful versions of the hybrid car and can achieve more than 100 m.p.g. The plug-in models will be more costly (of course) but will save a significant amount of fuel, and with $4.00 - $5.00 gallons of gas looming on the horizon like the headless horseman in that crazy Walt Disney cartoon, we can all appreciate a little more m.p.g. for our money.

Of course, you could just ride a motorcycle (even a Harley gets around 50), a bicycle, or find work that's close to home. I know, easier said than done. I will admit that riding my bike to work every day in St. Paul pretty much ruled. I lost weight, gained muscle, and I loved getting outside. Plus, I didn't pay for parking, my insurance was lower, and I didn't have to buy gas for weeks on end. I think I made it 6 weeks on one tank. Never underestimate the mountain bike, brothers and sisters. Oh, bad weather sucked though. The rain started to not bother me after a while, but once you get over 6 inches of snow, you can just forget about riding.

Milk in Glass Bottles

I started buying milk in glass containers lately. It seems to taste better. Because of the soaring price of petroleum, milk prices have been going up as well. So when I saw that a local dairy was offering milk in bottles at a competitive price, I decided to buy some. It tastes awesome. It's a higher quality product that has been minimally handled, and is fresher because it takes less time to get it to the market and has less of a chance to be mishandled. Lamers Dairy in Appleton, Wisconsin (Dairyland's Best) produces the bottled milk, and I must say that I like it. I predict some of the dairy products produced locally will grow in popularity as the price of fuel rises, because there is inherently less cost to get the products to your local store.

Why I Watch T.V.

If it weren't for these following shows (and PBS, which I don't consider to be t.v.), I would probably boycott television.

My 10 Favorites:

TLC Turbo - comprised of American Chopper, American Hot Rod, and Hard Shine. I love hot rods and custom rides, especially when they are innovative and theme-based. The best series by far is American Chopper. I saw my first episode in the hospital when my son was born back in '03. I am still a fan in '07. I love their crazy accents and non-stop shop antics. They almost seem like they are from northern Michigan. These guys are the kind of guys I used to hang out with in my 20s.
Hard Shine is o.k. I think there isn't enough material there to form a series, but I like to see the fabrication of the cars. It is certainly no Chopper though, but then again, how many places have a Mikey?

The Wire - I am a latecomer to this innovative and addicting series, so I am only through season 2 on my Netflix list. I look forward to every episode. I love how the details of a case are built, the technology used, and the character development is first-rate (see my previous post about Omar, who I think is one of the biggest reasons I enjoy t.v.).

Deadwood - Who says Shakespeare is dead? I think he has been resurrected, complete with a 6-gun and a 5th of whiskey. Al Swearengen is another reason I love watching t.v. He rules. I want a guy like him in my workplace, just to hear him work people over in his office. Seriously, some sh*t would be getting done at work if this guy were around.

The Sopranos - I resisted this series for about 5 years, because I was sick of gangster flicks and wannabe-Goodfellas t.v. shows. I think I am at the point where I am going to rent complete seasons 1-5. I have seen a few episodes, and I do have to say that it is engrossing. Another HBO triumph.

Six Feet Under - I know, it's been over for over a year, but since HBO is dominating this list, it needs a mention. The idea was so original and the series so profane, funny, horrifying, uplifting, hysterical and philosophical, it cannot be ignored. The episode when the mom accidentally takes ecstasy is a classic, as well as when Nate discovers his dad's "hidden room" above some storefront.

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Larry David is a bald P.O.S. -- and I love him. Although my favorite character is his fat f#ck friend/agent Jeff. Hysterical. I also look forward to seeing Wanda on there. She and Larry have some seriously funny scenes.

Carnivale - O.K. - one more HBO series just because this network has singlehandedly done more to destroy the Hollywood movie industry than anyone else (except for the theater companies who want you to shell out 8 bucks for some t.v. retread film featuring either Owen Wilson or Ben Affleck. Or some lame flick featuring a billion dollar CG budget with no fu#k*ng script [that's you, Transformers!!!]. With something like the Sopranos on television, how can you even seriously think of putting out such rubbish and charging people an arm and a leg to see it?)

Anyway, Carnivale gets a mention here because it was crazy, innovative, freaky and funny. I wish they gave it more time to develop. Seriously, how many t.v. series can say they feature a carnie gimp, a sociopathic minister possessed by the devil, a bearded lady, Maggie from Field of Dreams, a midget and a momma-daughter titty act? Totally watchable. It's a shame it's not still on.

Mythbusters - Science rules. I think I like it so much because Jamie has a moustache and a personality a lot like my buddy Adam, although Adam's moustache is bigger, if that's possible. I will watch any show that involves blowing stuff up.

The other 7 Honorable Mentions:

Lost
The Office
Man Vs. Wild
The Daily Show
Family Guy
Peep and the Big Big World
Late Night with Conan

Why I Love Omar Little

I am a fan of The Wire. I'm a bigger fan of Omar Little. He lives by a strict code. He only robs drug dealers. He takes his grandmother to church. He wears a trenchcoat and carries a shotgun around the projects. He announces his presence by whistling "The Farmer in the Dell."

In one episode when he was providing jury testimony, Barksdale attorney Maurice Levy called him a parasite who thrived on the drug trade, to which Omar quickly pointed out that Levy was essentially the same thing. "I got a gun --- you got a briefcase. It's all in the game though, right?"

More poignantly, he might be the only character in this HBO series that makes it a point to not use profanity. He's one of the toughest characters around, yet he's gay, which most people stereotype as being wimpy or overly feminine. His character is a walking paradox, which is fascinating to me, and shows the smartness and depth of writing in this show. His honesty, lack of materialism & commercialism, and strict adherence to his ethics makes him fascinating and unique.

And did I mention he walks around with a shotgun whistling "The Farmer in the Dell?" Classic. You gotta love him.

Chicken Sh*t

Leave it to Minnesota. My old state is mad smart. Eggheads you might say. Progressive, for sure. So I wasn't surprised to hear that they are going to operate a power plant fired by poultry litter. As you know, chicken crap IS a renewable resource. You can listen to the NPR story here.

Karl's Gone

So long Karl. I am going to miss you. Really. No, really.

Catchiest Tune Ever

Your vote for catchiest tune ever? I don't know, but I just might cast my vote for Penny Lane. It's not my favorite, mind you, but every time I hear it...

Hey, by the way, why do the Beatles always sound better when turned up to 11?

Another Reason I Love Google

There are a lot of reasons to like Google: Gmail, Calendar, their documents and spreadsheets - which basically must make Microsoft furious (What, you're giving me a spreadsheet and word document program for free? AND I can share it with everyone online, and they can add comments and info?? Why do I need Microsoft again? Genius!)

But here's another reason: They are donating about $11 million to fund plug-in hybrid research and technology. Develop a 100+ mile per gallon car and make it reliable? Sweeeet. The amount of traveling I do to Chicago and Indiana make a plug-in hybrid one of the top things I must get in the next year or two.

Read more about the project here.

Inventions I Would Buy, Part II

An at-home coffee roaster. Buy your beans in bulk, roast them at home.

New Inventions I'd Like To Buy

1. Some sort of reusable "tap" - with a short tube - that you could pierce the side of a gallon of milk with, enabling my son to open the fridge and fill his cup without having to pick up the gallon and spill 6-8 ounces of it on the counter and floor.
2. A short, highly directional EMP gun that you could point to an offending electronic device (your landlord's stereo upstairs, annoying cell phone used by guy in restaurant, etc.) and discharge a short burst of energy, either temporary disabling the unit or frying the circuitry altogether, depending on the dial setting you have on the unit. The unit would also have a highly-defined energy path, which you could customize to provide a "technology-free zone " in your house, backyard, etc.

Taxing Pollution

This morning's Chicago Tribune reported that London mayor Ken Livingstone has levied a $50 a day charge on large suv vehicles that travel the streets of central London. People are up in arms. I think I like the idea, especially when I imagine all of those fools who drive Land Rovers scowling as they write those big checks out to the mayor. Sweet. Only because I think that Land Rovers are the biggest POS vehicle since the Yugo. Talk about resting on some 50-year old reputation as being THE vehicle to handle safaris. They probably haven't been relevant since the 60's. But people still buy them because they're shiek. Then realize they spend about 60 days a year in the repair shop. On second thought, maybe the tax checks they write out won't be so big, since they can't really drive them that often.

It will be interesting to see how this flies. I see problems with this "fee." You are going to tax SUVs and Minivans, but what if they are carrying 5 to 7 passengers? That seems to be a fairly responsible act. What, big transit buses don't pollute? What about taxis? What about the coal-fired electric plants that make other forms of mass-transit possible? How about ships? And Airplanes? Hello!! Air travel is mad dirty. I see concerns here that go beyond just taxing the privileged. I think everybody, to some extent, has to shoulder some of the responsibility, because daily, report after report is rolling in from scientists all over the world that this "climate change" (nice euphemism, by the way. Thanks, Dick Cheney) is getting crazy.

This place is about to blow up. So we better come up with some real solutions and get going on this.

Chean That Ship Up!

A group of northern European companies will invest and install fuel cells on board a supply ship in 2008, and pledge to convert entire fleets of ships to the cleaner technology. Iceland plans to turn their entire fleet over to fuel cells in the future. Although the initial costs are high, it will be worth it in the long run, due to more strict regulations and higher costs of conventional petroleum and the upcoming pollution taxes. See what happens when we start thinking together?
Via Good News Daily and Reuters

Ace and True Value follow-up

For the record, I don't hate on ALL Ace hardware stores. Just the one in my neighborhood, and not all the time. There is an Ace store in St. Paul that is really great, and there is another in Mishawaka, IN that I love, too. I don't really endorse one over the other. I just don't like the way-too-helpful staff. Leave me alone.

True Value 1, Ace 0

So, I have noticed that there is a trend toward the small, hometown hardware store. I love it, except that some places take this "friendly, helpful" moniker a little too far. There is an Ace hardware about 4 blocks from my house. It is located in this little village and has nice, bright awnings, radio flyer wagons and weber grills in the front windows, along with some American flags, beer coolers, and other charms of americana.

The problem is that as soon as I walk in the door, I know I will be intercepted by the "friendly, helpful" store clerk, who will ask me, "Find what you're looking for?" Well, hell no, because I just walked in the door!!! How the hell am I going to find what I'm looking for in 4 seconds? Seriously, even if I had the store layout committed to memory, I couldn't find what I'm looking for in under 10 seconds. But that's not all. This particular Ace seems to employ the "I know better than you" specialists, who somehow think that they have downloaded all of your mental contents and know everything about your project. One day I went in for a garden hose repair kit.

Here's a recent exchange:
"Hi"
"Hey there"
"Are you SURE you have a 1/2 inch garden hose, instead of a 5/8?"
"Yep"
"Because most garden hoses are 5/8, you know."
"Yep, I think this is the one."
"o.k."

What is that? What kind of approach is this?
"Are you SURE you have a 1/2 inch garden hose, instead of a 5/8?"

Couldn't he have just said something like, "Have everything you need?", or "Yeah, we get a lot of customers who get this 1/2" hose repair kit and then find out they need the more common 5/8." Or something other than the "I know better than you" attitude these guys have.

OOhh, I see Mr. Ace man - YOU know what type of garden hose I have at home, because you're all-knowing, right? You know more than I do about all of the fixtures I have in my home now, because you work at Ace hardware and you have been there for a few years, right? This allows you to know more than your customers about their stuff. O.K. then.

The problem is, of course, that I actually have a 1/2 inch garden hose, not a 5/8". But when I get home, I waste about 2 minutes of my time 2nd-guessing myself, wondering if I do, after all, have the 5/8" hose, and whether I should have grabbed that 5/8 repair kit, just to be safe. well, I got their Ace-brand hose repair kit. The 1/2" was the right size, but it leaked. Great.

After I have a few of the same encounters with these "helpful, friendly" know-it-alls, their schtick gets pretty old. Since they are intent on giving not-really-that-helpful, non-constructive, "I know more than you" attitude, I have dubbed them the Ace-holes.

But the hardware store is beautiful, it's small-town, it has old wood floors, it looks unchanged since the 50s, and it has all this charm. I feel like I should be going there to support the local hardware joint. I feel like a traitor if I go to a big-box retailer. I'm torn.

But there's another solution: I have a True Value store that's less than 4 blocks away, but not part of the village. It doesn't have nice awnings. It is a sheet-metal building, with no display windows, except for the one window on the side that has a hose reel and a bag of bird seed leaned up against it. It has dents, dings, and old glass auto-open doors from the early eighties, with film stuck on them from about a thousand old stickers. It is not charming, it does not evoke fond memories of the Americana of yore. It does not look like like your friendly, local hardware store. But I think I might like that.

But the best part is that when I go in there, I am not bothered by anyone. Nobody helps me. Unless I ask, and then I have to wait awhile, because some guy is in the back, taking his coffee break, or lunch break, or he's f-ing off, which is good. They don't even acknowledge that you're there. That's the America I know. And that's exactly what I want: a hardware store from the 70s. It is exactly like the hardware store I grew up with. A sheet-metal clad, unattractive, non-charming, dirty, fluorescent-lit, concrete-floored structure where there wasn't a clerk in sight and you got what you want, paid, and left.

Because, you see, I want my hardware store to be an extension of my garage or shop: I go in there and I know what I want, and I want to be left the hell alone to get it, or if I don't know what I want, to be given time to figure out what I want, before I throw up my arms and ask for help. I don't want an expert anywhere near me. I want to be left alone to discover my solution.

So I go there, get my true-value 1/2" inch hose repair kit (no questions asked), go home and install it. It works flawlessly.

True Value: 1
Ace-holes: 0

I have a theory...

So I have a theory, and I have been refraining forever to say or write anything about it because it's controversial, and I don't look forward to my house being firebombed, but I can't take it anymore. Here it is: every time I see a car with an anti-abortion sticker, especially a car with several anti-abortion stickers (which usually is the case -- what, I didn't get your viewpoint the first time?) you can bet that the person driving it is an old white guy. So far, my theory proves to be correct about 90% of the time.

I won't say anything else about the matter except this: Whether abortion is sometimes necessary or totally wrong, can we just please let this issue be decided by women? Can we keep all old white guys - and all men really - as far away from the decision-making process as possible? Really, guys don't know jack sh*t about creating another life form. Women know this best. They have been through it.

If you want some decisions made about fire, war, disasters, hot-rods, sausage-making, or blowing sh*t up, then consult guys. They are good at that sort of thing.

Capri Sun

You know, I have never been able to pierce that hole in those Capri Sun pouches without at least a little juice spilling out of the top. I have never had a "perfect piercing." Never.

The Phantom Job Offer

So I got a call from a placement agency a while ago, and my rep told me that a creative director I interviewed with in the area wanted to extend a job offer to me. I would be an art director for a local publisher, working on retail books and special projects. The job would not start for a few weeks, probably sometime in August. That phone call happened a month ago. For the past few weeks, I have called every week, to get updates on the status of my hire. I haven't received any new information, other than "I have a few calls in to her, and I'm waiting for her to get back with me." Hmmm. Not sure she sounds that interested in hiring me right away. My guess is that she's interviewing other candidates, probably from outside this placement agency, in the hopes to get someone qualified to do the job without having to pay the hefty agency talent fees that would come along with hiring me. In the meantime, I have 2 interviews lined up with ad agencies in the area, as well as a freelance gig with an architectural photographer to do remote photo shoots from time to time. It would be a good gig to fill in the gaps until something full-time comes along. I'd like to think that I don't have to interview anymore, and that I'll get a phone call from this placement agency, but I can't sit on my hands while the two parties play "whoever blinks first loses" game.

The Shirtless Guy Thing

O.K.

Just so all of you know, I am in no way poking fun at the shirtless guys in Milwaukee. For the record, I don't have the physique to take my shirt off and hang with these dudes. In short, I am envious of the Milwaukee Shirtless Guy. Maybe someday...

And the A-Hole of the Month Award Goes To...

The Weissgerber Old German Beer Hall! If you read my previous post this April, you know this place has already received an a-hole award from me. I decided to give them another chance when an out-of-town friend and I were in the Old World 3rd. We just went in for a beer and a brat this Friday at around 3 p.m. or so. Same result. A bunch of middle-aged natives were bellied up to the bar and began shouting some German drinking song while doing shots. My friend and I waited at the bar for 10 minutes or so while the bartender (and everyone else) ignored us, as if we pulled them away from their Bavarian fantasy and grounded them back to Wisconsin. The bartender seemed to be more concerned with talking about German Fest, cleaning his Hofbrau mug and finding a suitable authentic polka CD to pop in the stereo than serving us. Finally I said, "I think they're ignoring us, that's a-holish." and walked out. Again, the people seemed to be so enthralled with trying to be German that they actually became German. Not the "I am loaded, good-natured, hopelessly romantic and I love you" Germany Germans but the mean Germany Germans you run into from time to time. Don't get me wrong, I have some AWESOME German peeps I love, but I guess there are a-holes in every culture. I can say this because I'm the 3rd generation from the Fullmers who came from the fatherland. Since I have some roots there, I should be able to hang with these dummkopfs. Not so.

Jesus. You know, you can take a good thing too far. I figured since my uncle was a German POW in WWII, this place owes me free beer for the duration of my existence in Milwaukee. For the most part, the people of Milwaukee have been nothing short of awesome. This place has been the exception.

I told my friend that we can go down to the Irish pub, the Italian restaurant, or the Polish joint, because they at least welcomed you there, and as soon as you have a few in you, you're like a brother anyway, no matter the ancestry (didn't we find out we're all related to some guy in Ethopia anyway? Did I burn one too many? Do I order Caucasians instead of White Russians? Does the dude abide?)

The Old German Beer Hall may just earn my A-hole of the Year award. IT'S CERTAINLY THE FRONT-RUNNER. Someone, please step up and tell me it isn't so. Tell me it's just the douchebag behind the bar in the early afternoons, and most of the time it's not like this at all. The a-hole clock is ticking...

Summerfest '07

For those who don't live in Milwaukee, Summerfest is a big-time music festival that boasts about a dozen stages and about 50 music acts a day for two weeks. You can hear everything from jazz to funk to indie rock to, well, Lyndsey Buckingham. As you can guess, beer is flowing everywhere. Even the cool-off fountain for the kids has some sort of lite pilsner flowing from the fixtures. I'm sure of it.

They make you drink there. Seriously, they have security people conducting 'round the clock patrols to identify any and all non-drinkers and immediately escort them to the nearest Leinie Lodge for a Berry Weiss i.v.

My good pals from Chicago drove in to experience Summerfest with me. Mike Voss and the McCool drove in Friday night. I wanted to give them a good tour of Milwaukee so I took them to the Miller Brewery, followed by one of the most curious places I found: The Aqua Lounge. How this place escaped being a setting in a Miami Vice episode escapes me. But I always take out-of-towners there because it's funky and fun. The Aqua Lounge deserves its own entry, and I won't go into detail in this post, but I can say we got to bed between 4:30 and 5.

UP AT 9:00 FOR MIKE O! Our good buddy Mike O also made the trip from Chicago and rang the bell to get us up. Breakfast consisted of a bloody mary made with torpedo juice and fine vodka. We then proceeded to drink ourselves out of the house, with the last Sprecher and Miller High Life going down at around 1:30.

I can give a foggy hour-by-hour rundown of what happened next:
1:35 - we frantically search for a "to-go" cup
1:45 - we frantically search for a "to-go" cup
1:50 - vodka, lime juice, orange juice, and -- "oh the hell with it, just cut the f*&king lime up and drop it in there already."
2:10 - a head-on collision is narrowly avoided
2:20 - we tour the ruins of the Pabst Brewery. Mike O makes the rent-a-cop nervous by shouting out unintelligible gibberish out the window, like a Ukrainian with Tourette syndrome. We contemplate stealing the giant, 12-foot tall blue ribbon sign off of the building and fastening it to the Hyundai, rescuing it from the demolition and indignity it has suffered over the years. Damn you Budweiser!!!!!!
2:30 - we find FREE PARKING 4 BLOCKS AWAY FROM SUMMERFEST. Did I mention how much I love Milwaukee? We all pee indiscriminately in an alley atop a mound of wood chips. what the hell?
3:00 - we're in the park. we pass 3 miller lite stands and 42 sausage carts to find our way to a stage where a Who cover band is playing. We order 2 beers apiece. At one point, I take off my shirt and hump the lawn. Mike-O eats a spider. Voss laughs and smokes. McCool pretends to not be acquainted with us. It's going to be a great day.
3:30 - Mike O and I shout between each other in the port-a-john, even though we're 50 feet apart. I walk out looking confused and mad, glancing around to see who the shouting a-hole is.
4:00 - I share a big Italian sausage sandwich with Mike O. We then get our 3rd beer since gate entry.
4:15 - we see a lame indie band
4:20 - the dude abides
4:30 - 5:30 I don't know what the hell happened. I think we went to the other end of the park, engage in 3-4 more miller lites and shout out eagles tunes. The Eagles cover band, by the way, was simply amazing. Seriously, if you turned your head, you'd swear they were playing the radio. I'M NOT JOKING HERE. THE BEST COVER BAND I HAVE HEARD. TO THE NOTE.
O.K. - enough shouting. You get my point. It had to be made. We also discover Berry Weiss at this point, and head to the Briggs and Stratton lawn stage. Oddly enough, there is no grass in sight.
6:00 - 2 more lites and 2 more berry weiss consumed in this hour. We hear another amazing cover band, only to realize that it actually WAS the radio this time. We decide that maybe food is a good idea. We stop for a smoke break first, having a couple more lites. We find some plastic, quarter-operated miller barrels that vibrate the fillings out of your teeth, while providing a much-needed foot massage. I think it vibrated a bowel movement out of me without my knowing it. I find traces of it later.
6:30 - we find the most awesome falafel stand, and go hog wild with the hot sauce. 2 more berry weiss please!!!
7:00 - we see what I can best describe as a soul-gospel revival. people jumping all around. I'm dancing my ass off. Mike-O feeds Voss a falafel sandwich by hand. O then proceeds to mash up the remnants into what looks like pink couscous, and proceeds to eat it like Indiana Jones in the Indian camp in the Temple of Doom. I shudder and get another berry weiss. I point out "the loaded shirtless dude who's trying to dance like Cliff Huxtable" to my buddy Voss, who replies, "which one?"
8:00 - some dude in an afro asks if he can dance with me. At this point, i have been dancing nonstop for an hour, even when we're walking to another venue. I look like a white Dave Chapelle on ex. I spot an inflatable trampoline-kiddy thing, and proceed to bolt full speed towards it, and jump on top of the inflatable wall, only to find that IT WAS DEFLATING. I felt like I landed ass-first on a granite boulder. my tailbone is now 1/4 inch shorter. By now almost everyone in the park is lit, because about 50 people see this, then continue walking like they just passed the "AquaMassage" table at the mall. It's curious, but not enough to make you stop in your tracks.
8:40 - alkwenmacrei zkdvn nemf sdznc ferfa grknzv niuna qwe zasdf asdfnkjvn zvcrka ra
8:41 - if you have been to Summerfest, you understood that last entry
8:50 - HEEEEYYYY - ANOTHER BERRY WEISS FOR ME AND MY FRIENDS!!!! TO ALL MY FRIENDS!! YEAH!! GET POURIN' GET POURIN'!!!
9:00 - we're closing in on Lindsey Buckingham time. for the next hour and a half we consume 432 miller lites and 78 berry weiss, along with 896 smokes.
10:00 - we all sing Buddy Holly, Al Green, and one of my favorite songs from Led Zeppelin 3. The temperature is 70 degrees, the breeze is beautiful, and we're singing and dancing under the I794 overpass. Someone hugs us. We don't know who they are. This rules. We find a picnic table to stand on for the show.
10:15 - The music starts. It's so loud it hurts. I sneak away from time to time to catch Filthy children at the Chipotle stage. These white kids are TEARING IT UP!! I'm torn between the two shows before I realize, "Hey, I can take in about 4 shows at once!! THIS RULES!!!
12:00 - shows over, we get kicked out.
12:01 - 12:15 - HOT SUMMER........................HOT SUMMER NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (repeat this 628 times and you'll get the idea).
12:15 - 2:00 - We get sucked into a bar offering 1/2 off drinks for ladies. I try to jump high enough to get my head caught in a ceiling fan going full tilt in the bar area. I get into a shouting match with a guy about Chet from Weird Science. I pretend to ride a chopper and wipe out, repeatedly falling out of my chair. People think I'm loaded, and I explain I'm not, even though I am, but not enough to fall out of my chair. They think I'm a total clown. They're right.
2:20 - a new phrase is coined by Voss: "perhabst" or "perpabst"
2:25 - Mike O says "I'm nothing but a 7-layer dispenser." I dive out of the car window. A guy says "Hey, cool it!" and points to a car at the drive-thru menu board. I push myself back through the window into the passenger's seat in time to see a squad car pulling around to the drive-thru window. I give the guy a thumbs-up for the heads-up. We pull out and go home.
2:30 - another new phrase is coined: "MIOS DIOS!!" This puts me into the bushes with laughter.

So that was Summerfest. The shirtless guy count stood at 46, with a medallion count of 2. I regret not bringing a camera, but my buddy Brian has pictures from last year, and they pretty much could be my photos from this year. Enjoy.

As for Summerfest and the city, it was really, really great. Beer, sausage, and shirtless guys with medallions. All for 15 bucks admission.
Milwaukee, you have won my heart.